The New Math: 16+4 = 20 – Everything

Jon
May 3, 2025

Today Zach should be turning 20. Instead, he only celebrated 16 birthdays with us, and now we have celebrated 4 without him. 4 birthdays. That’s a quarter of his entire life. (For those of you that thought there would be no math on Zach’s Bridge, here you go. 16 ÷ 4 = 4 = 25%. I guess it’s all math.) It’s hard to understand that 4 years have passed since his last birthday. All of the memories are so strong and so potent from his cancer diagnosis and treatment. So many of the memories from before that are very present, but time definitely has started to dim many of them. No matter what, none of them can be replaced with new ones that we create with him.

I love all of the memories from all the times, but they also haunt me. At times they make me want to reach through my phone and give him a hug at whatever age he was at that moment. A few weeks ago, I was stopped in my tracks by a picture that was taken on April 7th, 2021. Some of you who remember milestones here will know that’s a few days before his left leg was amputated above the knee. The memory that popped up on my phone was this picture.

There is nothing spectacular about the picture. But maybe the ray of light cutting Zach in half means something, I don’t know. What is noteworthy is this is the last photograph of him standing on two legs. There is a movie of him riding his bike after this, but this is it. THE. LAST. PHOTO. That should never be something I should have to write. There should be more pictures.

But I digress. Let’s get into the meat of Zach’s 20th birthday post. I still have a lot to say, and I hope, on his birthday, that you can take the time to read it.

The Theorem

While Zach struggled with many parts of his education, he seemed to like math. Maybe he didn’t like it, but he seemed to hate it less than things that required reading or writing. Maybe it was the defined rules and structure. Maybe it was that he hadn’t really gotten into complex algebra or more advanced topics that seem to create hatred from so many.

We don’t really understand it, because math, while incredibly (and yes, our parents were right) important and we use it every day, was a huge source of pain for both Jenn and me when we were children. Both of us had extremely emotional moments fighting, well, math. Math won, back then I think. Zach would fight us on reading and writing, but much less so on math.

This post isn’t about math, but it also is. See,this is why I don’t always like math. I have two correct answers here, and math, as far as I know, only allows for one. What today’s post is about are some of the foundational concepts of math, as well as parenthood, childhood, cancer, Zach and life.

Subtraction

Why does subtraction here have to exist? Removing Zach from the equation has robbed us all of so much.

His smile, his laugh, his quirky sense of humor, his hugs, his love are all subtracted from our lives. We miss his quickness to anger and to apologize. We miss his quirkiness, his uniqueness. His ability to know everything about a topic he loved is lost, as is his inability to remember to complete some basic life skills when he needed to. We miss his love of animals, cars, his family, friends and his support system. It’s all lost and it can’t be recovered just by adding a plus sign.

We miss the things he never did or never tried or never thought or said. We miss graduations, jobs, both being hired and fired, the possibility of him overcoming his challenges and tapping into his superpowers to do something he loved. His friends and acquaintances have continued their lives. His is paused. It’s never going to be added to.

We can never recover from the subtraction and instead we are left thinking about the finite nature of our lives, of never being grandparents – if that’s what he wanted. We have lost the chance to see the story unfold, and instead our movie stopped just as the beginning was getting really good.

It’s all been subtracted. Today, and every day, I hate the subtraction of life. I wish I was the one subtracted, and not Zach. In comparison, I lived a full life. His equation will never be solved.

Division

Note that this section is commentary about being human, it is not political.

Today our world, to me, faces more hate and more division than I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. This division is the really long division, the type that brought me to tears when I struggled to learn it.

I eventually figured that division out, but I cannot currently, and for the life of me doubt I will ever, understand today’s division. Today’s division is getting harder, and some seem to want to stoke the fire. In a world where we have made so much progress, increasing division and creating smaller, less impactful parts – (see maybe I learned something) seems counter-intuitive. We should be adding and multiplying, not dividing.

We should be working together to improve the lives of people, not taking things away (ok, that’s subtraction) to hurt people and increase the divide between those that have many digits associated with their names that those that can only add a few small numbers together.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand this change in human nature, this willingness to tolerate an increase in division and a desire to remove things that help people. The world is increasingly disappointing and frustrating and scary. The path we are headed down is creating a world that would have, with Zach’s challenges, made all of his calculations so much harder.

Addition and Multiplication

Now the loss of Zach has, perhaps, given Jenn and me superpowers to try to help others going through what we did.

These superpowers have made it possible for us to immerse ourselves in a world of pediatric cancer that includes a way to help families through the worst parts. They’re not something we asked for. We do it, because, you know, superpowers. They give us the strength to give back in a way that can multiply our impact – all to honor Zach. No division here.

The work we are doing at Zach’s Bridge is our way of paying tribute to him and this is the new math needed for our survival. This is our addition, it’s our multiplication, and what we can do to make the world better, to combat cancer – the ultimate evil – and the division mentioned above. It’s our reason for getting out of bed, and fuels our ability to counteract the challenges the world is facing today.

Superpowers are a blessing and a curse, though. We are amazed by the transformation we have gone through to get here. But more than anything, Zach, we wish you were here with us on your birthday. We may not have our superpowers, but you’d be celebrating your 20th with us.

The Final Equation

As I’ve said in the past, a day like today makes me Wonder. I think about what he missed, what we missed. But these days I think about what his path in the world would look like today, given the challenges he faced and the collective challenges we’re all facing.

What if we weren’t around to help him navigate it? How would he react to the growing division and the changing views toward resources necessary to combat cancer? There is so much mounting that could crush a person like Zach – or any person for that matter. And that angers and terrifies me.

I have to say it, and I expect some interesting reactions from all of you for doing so. For a few moments, with all the challenges ahead of our society, I wonder if its better that Zach is not here. The burden of being Zach may have been too great, and made his independent survival so difficult, so filled with challenge and lacking support, that it’s just better he doesn’t have to face it. Now of course I want him back and I want him here. But I’ve always been honest with you all, so if I didn’t say this, I wouldn’t be giving you the full story.

So on this day, Zach’s 20th birthday, please remember all that made Zach, well, Zach. Please laugh, smile, hug. Please say please and thank you. Please tell others that you love, that you love them. Please try to be kind. I don’t know if we can all do it, but love should eventually win here. If you can’t do it on your own, do it because of and for Zach.

Happy 20th birthday Zacharoo! I know the world is scary now, but I hope you see all the love that people have for you and how much you mean to them. Know that if you were here, the world would be better. We love and miss you.

Thanks for reading. There are many ways to Be Like Zach and Keep Moving Forward – today and every day. We hope you find one that works for you. And if you are willing to consider it, today is a great day to honor Zach and help us help others by supporting Zach’s Bridge.

Here’s a video about Zach’s Birthday’s over the years.