It’s one of the most ordinary questions a stranger can ask. Small talk at a party. A new coworker making conversation. A parent at pickup. And for those of us who have lost a child, it’s one of the hardest questions there is.
There’s no right answer for us, and there isn’t always a right answer for the person who asked, either. The closest thing to a “right” answer though is whatever works best for the bereaved person and fits the situation.
Some bereaved parents and caregivers offer the same answer every time. Others change it situationally. Some answer 100% directly, others avoid answering.
When someone asks you a seemingly inconsequential, common question and the answer can make them cry instantly, or not respond, turn and walk away, this is clearly much bigger than it might seem.
Based on more conversations with bereaved parents and caregivers than we can count, here are some of the most common responses. While we cannot speak for all bereaved parents and caregivers, we’ve heard all of these from others and we’ve done most of them ourselves.
Honesty
Sometimes we answer honestly, right away, because that’s the truth. We believe in being open about our story. For many bereaved parents and caregivers, the loss has made us more compassionate, more empathetic, more connected to other people, and we don’t want to hide that. But honesty has a cost. We’ve answered the question truthfully and watched a stranger’s face fall, watched them tear up on the spot, and then felt the strange, unfair pressure to comfort them because our child died. That’s not something we should have to manage. If someone else struggles with our honesty, that’s on them, not us.
And here’s a way to consider answering this when someone does freeze up or get emotional in response to the reality of your statement. “I know, it’s a heavy thing to hear, but talking about them keeps their memory alive. Thank you for asking.”
Consistency
One friend has landed on an answer she gives every single time, no matter who asks: “I have three kids. Two here, and one in heaven.” It’s hers. It works for her. It might not work for anyone else, and that’s fine too.
Avoidance – Partial or Full
Other times, depending on who’s asking and whether we’ll ever see them again, we choose a shorter version. We mention our child without going further, or we let the moment pass entirely. Neither approach is wrong. It depends on whether this is someone we’re building a relationship with or someone we’ll likely never see again, and how much of ourselves we have the capacity to hand over in that moment.
Whatever Works Best For You
It’s your story to tell however you need to tell it. If you feel you have to bend the truth to get through a conversation, that’s okay. Your child would want you to be able to get through the moment, not perform grief on someone else’s terms. And the people who can’t handle your honest answer, who posture and excuse themselves and back away? It’s a strange kind of test, and it tells you a lot about who’s actually built to stand next to you.
Tense May Not Matter
You may also notice yourself slipping between past and present tense when you talk about your child. It’s not a sign that something is wrong with you or that you’ve somehow gotten it “wrong.” There isn’t a clean, permanent way to talk about a child who has died. We still catch ourselves switching tenses without meaning to, years later.
If you aren’t a member of the “worst club ever,” but perhaps reading this for insight into someone you know, you might be surprised at how complex a seemingly innocuous question is.
And if you are a bereaved parent or caregiver, however you choose to answer the question today, and however you answer it differently tomorrow, know that you’re not doing it wrong. There is no should here. There’s only what helps you get through the moment while still honoring your child. That’s enough.
