It’s not too often I get asked something by someone that literally stops me in my tracks. The question gave me pause to reflect on my grief journey and how others understand it. It also gave me pause to how often I now refer to this ‘one thing’ I learned shortly after Zach died, all the time.
“How do you seem so happy when you have such a great loss?” That was the question from someone who was learning about Zach and being a bereaved dad for the first time. It also was from a young adult who is struggling to navigate the complexities of growing up in today’s world, but I don’t believe that person had ever faced something like the loss of a child, or one of their siblings. I’d like to believe that my answer gave them a bit of strength to keep moving forward in the face of all the challenges they see in front of them.
As a bereaved dad…
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I am both sad and happy.
- I am both angry and inspired.
- I am both hopeless and hopeful.
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I am both tired and energized.
There is a theory that I was taught in our bereavement group run by Boston Children’s Hospital and Dana-Farber Cancer Institute called “Both…And…” I use it all the time to describe my life as well as have shared it with countless other prereaved and bereaved parents and caregivers.
Essentially as a person facing extreme loss and all that goes with it, I may not be sad all the time, I have the right to be happy at times and I should be. I don’t have to be angry all the time, and at times I am not wallowing in pain and frustration, instead I am inspired.
Seemingly, contradictions go on and on. And what’s perhaps most important is not that I am allowed and can feel two things that seem to conflict, but even more so, that I can feel them BOTH at the same time.
That simple understanding has given me a powerful way to cope and never forget. It has given a path to move forward, while also keeping memories of my son fresh in my mind. It helps me ensure that grief and loss doesn’t win, but instead I try to use that pain and suffering to help others.
As I started to answer the person that asked the question I realized my outside demeanor at that point in time was one of happiness. I was smiling and laughing as I shared the joy of an experience that Zach had when he was sick, and expressing gratitude for those that made it possible. But when I do that, I am also always sad about why it happened, and there aren’t any future experiences to cherish. So inside I was sad. I almost always am sad inside.
But I was also happy. I was both happy and sad at the same time. It’s really the only way I think I can do this.
If you are facing grief and loss or your child to cancer, Zach’s Bridge can help you connect with someone who has had a similar experience. Or you can become a peer mentor, or a Zach’s Bridge supporter.
