I’ll make you a bet.
I’ll bet you that the first thing you think of when you see the number 21 is a perfect hand in blackjack. You might also think that in most states, you have to be 21 or over to go to a casino and play blackjack. And you might think that 21 is a signal of adulthood, where you can legally drink alcohol, and almost all the rights of adulthood (save a few, car rentals – I’m looking at you) are now available.
But when I think of 21 it’s definitely not a winning hand, and it’s not about anyone passing any milestones into adulthood. My hand is blank. Let’s see if I can get to 21. Right now my hand is largely blank.
Today, May 3rd, 2026 is Zach’s 21st birthday but he’s not here to celebrate with us. That’s what I think about. I think about all the things that he never got to do, and all the things that he will never get to do. I also think of 5. This is our fifth birthday without him. That feels like a lot, and it’s more than a quarter of the years he was actually alive.
I get stuck on the fact that he never drove a car, never graduated from high school, never had the opportunity to go to college or have a real paying job. And now I’m stuck on the fact that he was never able to enter a casino, have a legal sip of alcohol, get to vote, or move forward into adulthood. He never had the chance to have a real relationship, and get married and perhaps have kids, if he wanted any of those things. But the dealer has dealt me a 5. 5 birthdays without him.
He was on the way up, starting to really make friends and learn how to face and overcome his social and emotional challenges – but there were still cards in his deck that made getting a hand of 21 feel a bit unlikely. And while he exemplifies resilience, we never truly saw the extent of his ability to address and overcome his social and emotional makeup.
But Zach and this journey has left us with countless memories of wonderful joyful moments of childhood, parenthood, and even inside of cancer. Of course it left us with countless memories of pain, fear, anger, sadness, isolation and change. But Zach also left us with a guide, a way to move forward, not just for Jenn and me but for all of us.
Those of course, are Zach’s Rules for Life. And there are 13 of them. So that gets us to 18. I don’t need to show you the whole hand, and you can see them all for yourself, but there are a few most people haven’t seen.
